I have a plan

I had a really good talk with my friend Jill today. I seem to have wonderful clarity about life when I am talking with her. She understands how fragile life is. She knows what is important in life and she doesn't take anything for granted. I had an "a-ha" moment today talking with her about what I need to do.

Let me explain..... I thought I had pretty much given up on having children. I will tell you why..... sigh, sniffle..sniffle.....I am almost 35 years old and I want to be a mother more than anything. I have seen three or four different male OBGYN's during our marriage and I have expressed to them my frustration with not getting pregnant. Lane and I have been married for seven years, five of them have been without any birth control. In a nutshell, ALL of them have told me that my fertility chances would increase if I lost weight. Ummm...OK, let me just conquer my lifetime challenge with over-eating before my eggs shrivel up because it's so easy...NOT!!

Only ONE of the doctor's checked to see if Mr. sperm could swim, that was years ago. Luckily, Lane received some the great news that his little Michael Phelps were swimming. Mind you, I had to talk my doctor into this. What did he check on me? He drew my blood to see if I ovulated that month. That is it. I don't even know if my plumbing is normal. So on goes the story, I go get a 2nd and 3rd opinion, and no one seemed to want to do anything.Is every male OBGYN a fat chic hater? I did take chlomid and glucophage for a while, but then I fell off that band wagon because that OBGYN moved his practice to Bountiful. So, I go see Dr. Heiner last year at the million dollar clinic in Sandy and he told me the same thing. He suggested that I spend money on gastric bypass or lapband surgery and "invest" in my future that way. He said he was more than happy to help me figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant, but thought it was mainly due to my weight. That was hard to hear. He said that losing weight would increase my fertility chances. Please don't hate him, it is very true that carrying a child while obese is very difficult on ones body. It's risky. But what I like to say to make me feel better "fat women have babies all the time". I will never forget getting into my car after that appointment. I've never cried so hard in my life. I couldn't drive, I couldn't even make sense when I called Lane on the telephone. I scheduled Lapband surgery for January 8, 2009. I canceled it...even longer story.

So since this experience Lane and I haven't really talked about having children. We have filled out adoption papers twice before, but it didn't feel right at the time, so we've never turned them in. I tell myself that I like our lifestyle and I will be okay if we don't have children. Yeah right, who am I kidding? I tell myself and others that I am too old. Hell, I will be 35 this summer. Oh please, my mother pushed out a ten pound monster when she was 40 years old. I love you Jason, more than you will ever know!

Okay, so I will get to the meat of this post. When I was talking to Jill today I realized that I need to do something about this child thing, because as my Dad likes to tell me with complete love "you're no spring chicken". I keep telling Lane that I am going to get pregnant this year. I believe in the power of positive thinking. So, this is what we are going to do. Lane and I are going to visit with Dr. Heiner at the million dollar clinic. In complete hindsite, I liked Dr. Heiner. He is honest and told me what I needed to hear. I have lost 30 pounds since my visit with him last year, knowing darn well that that is just the beginning. But it's a start. I can do this. I am going to tell him that I will continue to lose weight, but he needs to start up some testing. I am completely willing to do what he wants me to do. If he wants me to get to a certain weight, I will. But as my clock is ticking I want to grow old without any regrets. If I don't find out why we haven't gotten pregnant, I will regret it. I know, I know........I need to stop being so frigid, that would help. I need to take my mother's advice before I got married. I won't repeat it, cuz she would just die!!!

That's my plan. I am going to demand that we figure this out. I want to be tested, I need to know. I am your pin cushin Dr. Heiner. Thanks for letting me tell you my plan. I am excited about it, I feel good about it, and of course Lane is excited. I think every husbands favorite thing to hear is "let's try for a baby".

Now I realize that sometime's the Lord's answer is NO. I feel wanting to be a mother is a righteous desire. I am going to do everything I can to better my life, to prepare myself. I will take it one day at a time and stay optimistic. At the end of this I will not have any regrets. Maybe Lane and I will even be blessed with a child who will melt our hearts on a daily basis. Maybe I will know one day what a mother's love for her own child feels like. That is what I want. I want to share my love with a perfect piece of heaven.